Pain

Emotions are fleeting, unstable indicators of the heart's deepest needs. They flash glimpses of the pain, they violently attempt to reopen the scars, they leave the human bleeding and seething in the pain. Numbness overtakes. It dulls all emotion, it freezes the hurt, it turns the soul into a mere shadow of its former self. Numbness blocks the pain. The immortal, all-consuming pain that burns, tears, breaks and hardens the heart. It freezes the very core of the soul, turning the life into a mere existence.

The shield of numbness bears the holes. The invisible, traitorous, innocent holes. People.

The audience of people are ignorant of the pain, they know little of the scars, they turn away from the hellish burns and charred scorch marks. Too afraid to look. Too shocked to acknowledge. Too taken by numbness to feel the pain.

The human becomes overwhelmed by feelings long forgotten, but the numbness rapidly spreads from the mind, to the heart, to the very deepest core of the soul, returning the soul to the mere shadow of its former self.

Breaking Idols

Idolatry is so common, so widespread, so popular. It pervades every culture in every continent. Some people make their idolatry obvious by making idols out of wood or stone and bowing down to them, sacrificing, and worshipping these idols. Others are more subtle about their idolatry. They attend church where idols are on display for worship. They may not bow down to them, but they worship them through words and deeds.

I'm the third kind of idolatrous person. I don't bow down to idols, I don't pray to statues or to Mary, but I worship myself in almost every way. I bow to myself in that I put my desires before others needs, I lust after the things of this world and worship them over God.
I am always "too busy for God." Too busy serving myself, living for myself, following the world, and lusting after the world.

In the Old Testament, God told the kings to tear down the idols and high places. He told them to utterly obliterate anything and everything that was associated with the idols and high places. God did not want there to be any hint of idol worship left at all.

Like Israel, I have committed spiritual adultery against the Lord. But the Lord God Almighty is a good and gracious God who has already forgiven me! Hallelujah! Now for grace to return to Him.

Jesus, Heal Me

Food is such a basic necessity, a staple that most people put little thought into. But I've thought about it a lot lately. I'm sensitive to a lot of foods - very sensitive.

Sugar, dairy, gluten... Any food containing those ingredients just kills my stomach and causes severe headaches. I know this, but that doesn't always stop me from eating bad, nasty, processed food containing those ingredients. Why? Why can't I just force myself to always make the right choice? Because. I'm human. Because. I have not given it over to the Lord and said, "I will do my part. I will eat healthy food and stay away from problem food. And I then I'll trust You, Lord, to heal me more fully and completely."

So, tonight, I'm giving it to the Lord. He is the Almighty Healer, He does not need my help, but He does desire my obedience in doing what I know to do in order to heal more swiftly.

After a weekend of "poison food," I am paying dearly for my foolish choices. It's not worth it. Not a single bit.

So, dear Jesus, take me. Take my health, my choices, my attitude, my will and my pride. Break me. Then, Lord ... please heal me.

Lord, Break Me

I thought I had it all figured out ... this whole being-surrendered-to-Jesus thing. I thought I was living for Him and not my self. At least ... that's what I thought.

But when push comes to shove and real life runs into me, the collision can be very painful. Excruciatingly painful.

I was recently rejected by the UWEC (a very good university that I was set on attending) simply because I didn't take a 2 year foreign language course in high school. To say that I was disappointed would be a ridiculous understatement. I cried. I bawled. I became depressed and slightly angry. No, very angry. Angry with myself for not learning a foreign language in high school and angry with God for letting me be rejected by my desired university. I felt completely devastated and totally worthless.

I thought I knew brokeness. I thought I knew surrender. I did not. And I still don't really understand it. Not really.

Recently, a dear friend of mine spoke very honestly with me and told me that I was hanging on to my own plans way too hard. I was serving my self and not God. She asked me one question that particularly struck me. "In all your planning ... did you leave room for God? Did you leave some room for His will?" I nearly started crying. I knew I had left God completely out of my thoughts, dreams and future plans. I had surrendered myself to Him before, but I did not bother to even pray for guidance concerning this college and my plans for 2012. I wanted what I wanted and that was it. End of story. But God didn't like that ending. And, deep down inside ... neither did I.

So, here I sit with my Bible wide open and my heart bare before God. What does He want from me? Where will He lead me? Will He make me wait for His guidance? Will I ever go to college?
I have no answers to any of those questions. But I know this. Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior, my Creator. My King. He has only the very best planned for me. Jesus loves me more than anyone ever will. And I love Him. A lot.

Psalm 119:25-28
"My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word.
I have declared my ways, and thou heardest me: teach me thy statutes.
Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works.
My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according unto thy word."

Fill My Cup, Lord

"The Lord Jesus does not fill dirty cups. Anything that springs from self, however small it may be,is sin. Self-energy or self-complacency in service is sin. Self-pity in trials or difficulties, self-seeking in business or Christian work, self-indulgence in one's spare time, sensitiveness, touchiness, resentment and self-defence when we are hurt or injured by others, self-consciousness, reserve, worry<, fear, all spring from self and all are sin and make our cups unclean.* But all of them were put into that other cup, which the Lord Jesus shrank from momentarily in Gethsemane, but which He drank to the dregs at Calvary - the cup of our sin."
~ Roy Hession (The Calvary Road)

Lately, I have been reading Roy Hessions's powerful little book The Calvary Road, and I can only sit in awe as my tears stream. Hession's words are so very true. So difficult, hard, humbling and unbelievable, but true!
I've struggled so long with fears, self-consciousness and sensitiveness, and often wondered why. Why am I fearful? Why am I self-conscious? Why am I so sensitive and easily offended by what people say or think about me? Why? I began to think that these little failures were just personality traits, unchangeable by anyone or anything. Tho=ese faults and degrading attitudes toward myself and others were there to eat me alive for as long as I lived. But, thank God I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Sin is an evil bond full of deceit, bits of vanishing pleasure, and always ending in destruction. Always. My fearfulness is sin. It has taken me awhile to fully accept and admit to this sad but freeing fact. For me to fear anything or anyone besides God is, and always will be, sin. But Jesus has already paid for it with His blood. I only need to confess my sin, place it beneath the cross of Jesus and walk away, cleansed by His powerful blood! Hallelujah, what a Savior!

I used to think that being self-conscious was a most definite character trait. A person either is or is not self-conscious. I was wrong. Self-consciousness stems from a twisted version of pride. I am proud, I care very much about how my peers view me. Because of my pride, I am self-conscious. Because of my sinful self-consciousness, I focus on me and how I present myself to the world. I become my own god. Self-consciousness is not only prideful, it is also idolatrous. How could I possibly worship myself and my own reputation above the Almighty God? Sin is an evil bond full of deceit.

I am offended often, very often. I am offended easily. The smallest words, the simplest comments, the quickest glances can all offend and hurt me. I have only recently begun to realize just how much of a sin that is! I am not truly walking with Jesus if something so simple as a person's comment can offend me, cause me to stumble and make me angry and defensive. If I view myself properly, if I let God be God and myself a simple human, if I am honest, if I am teachable, if I am humble ...
nothing will offend me.
"Great peace have they which love Thy law: and nothing shall offend them."
~ Psalm 119:165

The Calvary Road is a huge blessing and turning point in my life! I am not finished reading it yet, but I look forward to walking closer to Jesus, resting completely in Him, opening my heart and letting Him cleanse me and fill me to overflowing!

Jesus, Rescue Me

All of this talk about politics, politicians, policies and beliefs has had me thinking a lot. What do I believe? What do I know about freedom, government, rules, regulations and everything else that's being brought to the debate floor? A little bit, but not enough. I've decided that I need to read our Constitution about five times before I place my vote. I think every American should read the Constitution at least once before voting. Imagine the difference that could make!
Then again, imagine the difference it would make in my life if I sought God whole-heartedly and read His Word and prayed with all my might, soul and strength! I've experienced the love, the joy, the peace, the gratefulness, the kindness and the godly attitude that comes from immersing myself in my Master's Word. Oh, to be filled with a passionate desire for my Lord! Jesus, rescue me from me!

Jesus, Be Lifted High

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I hate depression. It's awful. Depression is like an evil disease that surrounds you, follows you, smothers you and has an unimaginable ability to tear you away from God.
I hate it.

Jesus promised He would never leave me or forsake me. Never. So, why do I feel so forsaken? Why has my joy vanished? Why is my peace gone? My heart just hurts, and I feel empty. God's still, small voice has grown silent. Deathly silent. And yet, I must lift Him high. Jesus is my Savior, the Lover of my soul, and there are times in life when He withdraws Himself so that I will seek Him. He wants me to reach the end of myself. I'm almost there. I'm almost broken, almost totally emptied of anything worth hanging on to. But I still hang on. I hang on to my own dreams, plans, fears, anger, bitterness, hatred, wrath, pride. I hang on with a vengeance. Why? There are some questions that can only be answered by looking in a mirror, a perfect, faultless, truthful mirror. God's Word.

Yet, I hesitate. Nothing in me desires to see itself revealed. I don't want to see who I truly am because I know my soul is a sickening, evil, and sorrowful sight to the Holy, Almighty God. I'm washed in the pure blood of the Lamb, I'm saved forever, but my fellowship with Jesus Christ is broken. He feels so distant. Like He's a thousand miles away.

Jesus, be lifted high. You must increase, I must decrease. I believe You. I believe You are doing what's best for me. But Lord ... help my unbelief!

Life with Jesus

My life has been a crazy roller coaster over the past few months. Holidays, health issues, and a roller coaster spiritual life, I'm ready for it to slow down. But first, I'm getting back in touch with my Jesus. He is so absolutely amazing and yet I tend to ignore Him. I tend to focus on my life and problems and situations, and I completely forget that Jesus is just standing there, waiting for me to remember Him. Waiting for me to run back to Him for all the answers and comfort and healing that I need. Why is it so easy to put the King of the Universe at the bottom of my priority list? Because I'm human. Humans are naturally proud, self-willed stubborn beings. I'm so thankful for Christ's
salvation, grace and mercy! He is altogether lovely.

I have been reading through the Gospel of Luke lately, and it is overwhelmingly full of the power and majesty of Jesus Christ my Lord. I sometimes have to just pause my reading and try to begin to comprehend the wonders of His love.
I pray that I will continue to seek Him above and beyond anything else. He is the Beginning and the End, the Healer, the Prince of Peace. He is my All!