Lord, Break Me

I thought I had it all figured out ... this whole being-surrendered-to-Jesus thing. I thought I was living for Him and not my self. At least ... that's what I thought.

But when push comes to shove and real life runs into me, the collision can be very painful. Excruciatingly painful.

I was recently rejected by the UWEC (a very good university that I was set on attending) simply because I didn't take a 2 year foreign language course in high school. To say that I was disappointed would be a ridiculous understatement. I cried. I bawled. I became depressed and slightly angry. No, very angry. Angry with myself for not learning a foreign language in high school and angry with God for letting me be rejected by my desired university. I felt completely devastated and totally worthless.

I thought I knew brokeness. I thought I knew surrender. I did not. And I still don't really understand it. Not really.

Recently, a dear friend of mine spoke very honestly with me and told me that I was hanging on to my own plans way too hard. I was serving my self and not God. She asked me one question that particularly struck me. "In all your planning ... did you leave room for God? Did you leave some room for His will?" I nearly started crying. I knew I had left God completely out of my thoughts, dreams and future plans. I had surrendered myself to Him before, but I did not bother to even pray for guidance concerning this college and my plans for 2012. I wanted what I wanted and that was it. End of story. But God didn't like that ending. And, deep down inside ... neither did I.

So, here I sit with my Bible wide open and my heart bare before God. What does He want from me? Where will He lead me? Will He make me wait for His guidance? Will I ever go to college?
I have no answers to any of those questions. But I know this. Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior, my Creator. My King. He has only the very best planned for me. Jesus loves me more than anyone ever will. And I love Him. A lot.

Psalm 119:25-28
"My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word.
I have declared my ways, and thou heardest me: teach me thy statutes.
Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works.
My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according unto thy word."