"What if Your blessings come through raindrops, What if Your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights ... are what it takes to know You're near?"
- "Blessings" by Laura Story
Recently, my good friend Amanda shared this song with me and it made me start thinking. The last few days, weeks and months have been so hard! Full of tears and sleepless nights ... and yet ... What if this really is what it takes for me to know that my Lord is near? What if all of this pain and sickness and disappointment are what it takes for me to cry out to Jesus? Can I live with it? I have. I will. But it's so hard!
Back in July, I had surgery on my colon and, after five days in the hospital, I was sent home and told to go live my life and be young ... I was told everything would be perfectly fine. So I did. I went home, recuperated and began to live my life ...but it wasn't all fine. By the end of September, the sleepless nights and tears were back along with lots of pain and, this time, vomiting. I couldn't believe it. I laid in bed, absolutely refusing to open my Bible. I didn't care to hear what God had to say. I was angry. And in my mind, God didn't deserve my attention. Oh, the pride and ignorance of my heart!
All I could say to God was, "I thought I was done. I thought this was over. I thought there would be no more pain or problems. Why did You let me down?" He didn't answer. Didn't say a word to me. And I began to feel the most chilling loneliness I have ever felt. No matter how many people were around me, I was all alone.
After a week and a half of vomiting and intense pain, I went in for tests .... On Friday, October 7, I received a call from my surgeon's secretary telling me that I was scheduled for surgery early the next morning. When I hung up the phone, I couldn't even cry. There were no tears left. I simply sat and stared ... for a very long time. Then I said to God, "I can't do this. I can't go through this again ... It hurts too much and it takes too much patience to recover. I can't do this."
Then He spoke to me with His ever still, small voice. "No, you can't do this. It's too much for you to handle, but I can carry you through. I will not take this trial away from you, but I will take you through it. Lean on Me."
Then I cried. How had I been foolish enough to think that my Savior would not care about me and love me enough to carry me through? I truly do not know my Heavenly Father very well!
The few days that I spent in the hospital were spent in a lot of silence, but this silence was no longer lonely, no longer filled with silent anger. God gave me His peace that passes all understanding - what wonderful peace that is!
Since surgery, I've still struggled with my attitude. I feel like my whole year has been "wasted" in doctor's offices and hospitals and at home in bed. But it hasn't. God has been using every single moment to show me that living life does not require being busy, doing stuff, going places, working, socializing with friends, being involved in activities.
In fact, He has shown me that none of that is life at all! It's been a shocking and difficult lesson to learn, but it's true. Life is not all of our activities and business - those are merely necessities, things we must do to survive on earth. But life, real life, is walking with Jesus every moment of every day and resting completely in Him no matter what. Life is not what I thought it was - it is something totally different, something so much better! This year, I practically lived in my bed and in hospitals and doctor's offices, but, the times I spent truly walking with my Lord, I was more alive then when I was totally healthy and busy "living" my life! I can't believe how long and how much it has taken for me to learn what life really is. It's been a very difficult lesson, but a very good one.
I have to quote, again, a little passage that has become so full of meaning and comfort to me during the past month. It's one of the strangest passages, not one I would have ever picked to apply to my situation but it really fits perfectly. I simply stumbled upon it while reading through the prophets of the Old Testament.
Hosea 6:1
"Come, and let us return unto the Lord. For He hath torn, and He will heal us. He hath smitten, and He will bind us up."
Jesus uses trials to turn people's hearts back to Him. In this verse, Hosea is telling Israel that all they need to do is return unto the Lord and He will heal them. It's so simple. But so difficult.
My prayer, as I continue to recover and return to normal "life", is that I will never stop living. That I will never let this "life" get in the way of real living! Because this life is nothing. Nothing but a vapor which disappears in a blink of an eye. I want to live. For real. I want to live fully for Jesus Christ, whether I am in my bed sicker than a dog and in so much pain I can't think or whether I'm completely healthy and busier than ever ... I want to live for Jesus because that is the only living that is really life!
