Life's been interesting lately. My two older brothers have moved out and now my family is smaller and things are different ... and so am I. I'm different yet the same. I think I may be just a little tiny bit more mature than I was, say, four or five months ago. But only a little. I'm learning so much, yet ... I'm also forgetting the important things I learned long ago. Like the joy of walking with Jesus. Yeah, I've kind of lost that.
You see, it's really easy to just pick up my Bible occasionally, whisper a quick prayer because I'm either really sad or really happy, talk about God once in awhile, show up at church ...
Yeah, all that's cakewalk when I don't really have to put any effort into it, when there's no life, no sacrifice, no joy.
Lately, I've been reading my Bible a lot, simply because I'm involved in a Bible class that requires us to read thirteen chapters a day ... but I've begun to realize that I'm losing touch with Jesus. He isn't quite my best Friend anymore like He used to be. And it's sad. Really sad. I don't talk to Him all the time, and reading my Bible is turning into a chore. It's not easy for me to pray like it once was. So what do I do? I'm not totally sure, but I think I'm going to get on me knees tonight, and stay there ... for a long time.
Why? Because walking through life is hard, but doing it without Jesus constantly by your side ... is downright frightful! And I miss Him ..... a lot.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Jesus, I Come
Jesus said, "Follow me." And I did. He took me down a narrow path with many sticks and stones scattered along the way. As I stepped along behind Him, I started slowing down and staring at the thorns, holes, rocks, sticks, traps and snares that were to my right, to my left, behind me above me, in front of me, and as I kept looking, my eyes grew wider and I cried out, "Jesus, You didn't tell me that this is what I was going to run into."
"Don't worry child, I will take care of you, follow Me."
So I did. For a while but then I began tripping up on the sticks and stones and I screamed,
"Did You just forget to tell me that You'd rip away my friends?
Did You forget to tell me that I'd often get confused?
Did You forget to tell me about the pressure, temptations and failure I would face?
How could You not tell me all of this?"
So there I stood and glared. Then I took a seat on the ground next to a nasty snare and just stared at the snare.
And as I looked at this ugly snare, it started to look more and more appealing and lovely. It's deadly, sharp thorns turned into gorgeous diamonds, it's steel, unbreakable trap turned into a picture of life lived my way instead of God's. All of its parts began transforming into lovely things that I thought I would never lay eyes on again. My heart began to pound. I wanted to grasp it so badly, but I knew Jesus was giving me that "Look" of "Don't do it. You will hurt yourself so badly that it will take an eternity to heal you." I ignored Him and grabbed the "pretty" snare as He called out, "Child, I am here. Drop it and follow Me!"
Darkness engulfed me. No light was to be seen. My life became full of everything painful, wicked and destructive.
Anger. Rebellion. Hatred. Bitterness. Lies. Jealousy. Lust. Pride.
That beautiful snare turned out to be not so beautiful. As I ran as far from God as I could possibly get, I started hurting. I began having "fun" with my friends, but the emptiness inside wouldn't leave. My Bibles grew dusty, my heart turned into black ice. My sould kept screaming in pain as the Devil's deceptive snare of sin wrapped it's spiked tentacles around me and began choking me. But Jesus' still, small voice in the back of my befuddled brain kept whispering, "Hurting child, why? Why did you run from Me, your only hope? Why are you denying me? Child, follow me!" But I didn't.
It took almost a year for my stubborn, rebellious hurt to return to it's loving Master. A year of the worst spiritual and mental battles I've ever been through and never, ever want to witness again. Jesus used a wonderful, friend during a summer camp to lead me back to the Rock that is higher than I.
God is still keeping me there, up on that rock, but occasionally I find myself sticking a foot over the edge of the rock and thinking about climbing down again. Then I hear my Jesus sweetly say,
"Child, don't do it. Follow me!"
"Don't worry child, I will take care of you, follow Me."
So I did. For a while but then I began tripping up on the sticks and stones and I screamed,
"Did You just forget to tell me that You'd rip away my friends?
Did You forget to tell me that I'd often get confused?
Did You forget to tell me about the pressure, temptations and failure I would face?
How could You not tell me all of this?"
So there I stood and glared. Then I took a seat on the ground next to a nasty snare and just stared at the snare.
And as I looked at this ugly snare, it started to look more and more appealing and lovely. It's deadly, sharp thorns turned into gorgeous diamonds, it's steel, unbreakable trap turned into a picture of life lived my way instead of God's. All of its parts began transforming into lovely things that I thought I would never lay eyes on again. My heart began to pound. I wanted to grasp it so badly, but I knew Jesus was giving me that "Look" of "Don't do it. You will hurt yourself so badly that it will take an eternity to heal you." I ignored Him and grabbed the "pretty" snare as He called out, "Child, I am here. Drop it and follow Me!"
Darkness engulfed me. No light was to be seen. My life became full of everything painful, wicked and destructive.
Anger. Rebellion. Hatred. Bitterness. Lies. Jealousy. Lust. Pride.
That beautiful snare turned out to be not so beautiful. As I ran as far from God as I could possibly get, I started hurting. I began having "fun" with my friends, but the emptiness inside wouldn't leave. My Bibles grew dusty, my heart turned into black ice. My sould kept screaming in pain as the Devil's deceptive snare of sin wrapped it's spiked tentacles around me and began choking me. But Jesus' still, small voice in the back of my befuddled brain kept whispering, "Hurting child, why? Why did you run from Me, your only hope? Why are you denying me? Child, follow me!" But I didn't.
It took almost a year for my stubborn, rebellious hurt to return to it's loving Master. A year of the worst spiritual and mental battles I've ever been through and never, ever want to witness again. Jesus used a wonderful, friend during a summer camp to lead me back to the Rock that is higher than I.
God is still keeping me there, up on that rock, but occasionally I find myself sticking a foot over the edge of the rock and thinking about climbing down again. Then I hear my Jesus sweetly say,
"Child, don't do it. Follow me!"
Friday, July 2, 2010
King Jesus, You are Worthy
Jesus is worthy of praise, honor, worship and glory. I am not. I am worthy of death, defeat, hell and the eternal grave, but Jesus has given me everything ... everything that I am completely unworthy of! It amazes me to no end.
Today, I had to chide myself for complaining both inwardly and outwardly. I do not like my job, but really, who does? There I was complaining because of my job, and did I stop to think, "God has blessed you with a job and money, be thankful!"? Nope. I didn't. I wasn't thankful at all, but now I am because I've realized that King Jesus is worthy and I am not and He has blessed me with so many things. Yet I ask for more things, different things ... things I do not need, things that are not what God has planned for me. I feel like Israel, begging for meat because they were sick of manna, then begging for manna when they were sick of meat, then begging for meat because they were sick of manna and God finally gave them so much meat that it came out their noises and made them terribly ill!
Impatience, ignorance, ungratefulness and envy have led me down the road to discontentment and have taken away much of my joy, but I do not fault these gross sins. I fault myself for following the temptations Jesus warned me not to follow. James 1:13-15 says,
"Let no man say, when he is tempted, 'I am tempted of God.' For God can not be tempted with evil, neither tempts He any man. But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then when lust has conceived it brings forth sin. And sin, when it is finished, brings forth death."
These verses always, without fail, put me in awe of our glorious God who is so powerful that He can conquer sin, the epitome of death. He can not be tempted, He can not tempt, but He can find, rescue and revive every single person who is drawn away of his own lust, enticed and killed by sin. I thank my God for His grace and power.
I am still searching for answers for my near future, but I must not give up hope or faith for He will answer, He will guide!
Today, I had to chide myself for complaining both inwardly and outwardly. I do not like my job, but really, who does? There I was complaining because of my job, and did I stop to think, "God has blessed you with a job and money, be thankful!"? Nope. I didn't. I wasn't thankful at all, but now I am because I've realized that King Jesus is worthy and I am not and He has blessed me with so many things. Yet I ask for more things, different things ... things I do not need, things that are not what God has planned for me. I feel like Israel, begging for meat because they were sick of manna, then begging for manna when they were sick of meat, then begging for meat because they were sick of manna and God finally gave them so much meat that it came out their noises and made them terribly ill!
Impatience, ignorance, ungratefulness and envy have led me down the road to discontentment and have taken away much of my joy, but I do not fault these gross sins. I fault myself for following the temptations Jesus warned me not to follow. James 1:13-15 says,
"Let no man say, when he is tempted, 'I am tempted of God.' For God can not be tempted with evil, neither tempts He any man. But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then when lust has conceived it brings forth sin. And sin, when it is finished, brings forth death."
These verses always, without fail, put me in awe of our glorious God who is so powerful that He can conquer sin, the epitome of death. He can not be tempted, He can not tempt, but He can find, rescue and revive every single person who is drawn away of his own lust, enticed and killed by sin. I thank my God for His grace and power.
I am still searching for answers for my near future, but I must not give up hope or faith for He will answer, He will guide!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Lord, Help Me to Follow
I often find it hard to know what God wants me to do with my life. In fact, at this moment in time, I have no clue what I am going to do once I graduate from highschool. Must I sit here like a little child and wait for some heavenly signal that tells me exactly what to do? Or do I venture forth bravely and pray with all my heart that I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life? I don't know, I'm completely clueless! So many paths lay before me that look very inviting and I would love to pursue each and every one of them, but ... I only have one life and it must be lived for God or it really will be one big mistake. But, I ask myself repeatedly, what does God want me to do?
Do I follow my desire to travel to India and serve there for a time? But what if I discover that I really like it there and don't want to return to the States? That thought scares me a little bit because I might miss out on something wonderful that I could be doing in the U.S. At the same time, I want to be pushed forward, out of my comfort zone, away from all of my safety nets and into a new world. India would be absolutely perfect for that.
Yet, I ask myself, why don't I simply move down south (I love the south!) and start a music studio a few years from now? I love music, and I would thoroughly enjoy running a studio and continuing to learn and teach piano, but is that what God wants me to do?
Another option that constantly plays at the back of my befuddled mind is college. I would very much enjoy attending college (Possibly PCC in Florida) and majoring in music and minoring in English Literature (education, writing, reading and studying). But a few people do not like that idea and I don't feel very sure of that path. But at the same time, the idea sounds wonderful!
These are my desires, my dreams and hopes for my future. But are they God's? Is this what He has planned for me? I want to know so badly, but I'm almost afraid to know. I lack faith in His love. For some reason, I have the tendency to think that He will guide me into paths that I will absolutely hate. Why can't I rest in Him, and believe that He will lead me in the way I ought to go, in the way of joy and peace and happiness? I think myself wiser than the Creator of the Universe, and I wonder why He isn't leading me. Maybe He's waiting, waiting until I fall humbly at His throne and admit my unworthiness, confusion, pride and lack of faith. Maybe then, I will finally be ready to follow.
So now this is where I stand. This is where I wait. This is where I cry out to God, study His living Word and give my heart more fully to Him. In the end, I must make decisions and some of them need to be made within the next few months, but I know that my Savior will keep me and guide me and I need not fear anything. Yet I do. So I pray, and now I must search, study and continue to wait patiently for my King to guide me.
Do I follow my desire to travel to India and serve there for a time? But what if I discover that I really like it there and don't want to return to the States? That thought scares me a little bit because I might miss out on something wonderful that I could be doing in the U.S. At the same time, I want to be pushed forward, out of my comfort zone, away from all of my safety nets and into a new world. India would be absolutely perfect for that.
Yet, I ask myself, why don't I simply move down south (I love the south!) and start a music studio a few years from now? I love music, and I would thoroughly enjoy running a studio and continuing to learn and teach piano, but is that what God wants me to do?
Another option that constantly plays at the back of my befuddled mind is college. I would very much enjoy attending college (Possibly PCC in Florida) and majoring in music and minoring in English Literature (education, writing, reading and studying). But a few people do not like that idea and I don't feel very sure of that path. But at the same time, the idea sounds wonderful!
These are my desires, my dreams and hopes for my future. But are they God's? Is this what He has planned for me? I want to know so badly, but I'm almost afraid to know. I lack faith in His love. For some reason, I have the tendency to think that He will guide me into paths that I will absolutely hate. Why can't I rest in Him, and believe that He will lead me in the way I ought to go, in the way of joy and peace and happiness? I think myself wiser than the Creator of the Universe, and I wonder why He isn't leading me. Maybe He's waiting, waiting until I fall humbly at His throne and admit my unworthiness, confusion, pride and lack of faith. Maybe then, I will finally be ready to follow.
So now this is where I stand. This is where I wait. This is where I cry out to God, study His living Word and give my heart more fully to Him. In the end, I must make decisions and some of them need to be made within the next few months, but I know that my Savior will keep me and guide me and I need not fear anything. Yet I do. So I pray, and now I must search, study and continue to wait patiently for my King to guide me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Lead Me, Jesus
Today I walked out of the office, shut the office door with pleasure and walked to my vehicle for a much needed lunch break and fellowship with my Savior. My morning had been crazy trying to prioritize everything that needed to get done at the office and at the same time worrying about whether or not I would have enough time to practice piano for as long as I wanted to when I got home...
Days like today make me realize just how badly I need Jesus to lead me not just every day, but every moment. So there I sat in the parking lot's surprising quiet, and I prayed, "Lead me, Jesus". I didn't realize until just now that He answered that short little prayer. I opened up to my new favorite book and read chapters 5 and 6 of Jeremaiah. I was convicted over and over again as God grew justly angry with Israel over their spiritual adultery and wickedness. Time and time again, Jesus begged them to repent and return to Him, but they refused. Utterly refused. He led them and they did not follow. They continued in their treacherous ways, commiting spiritual adultery with idols made of sticks and stones.
I had to pause many times and ask myself how often I put foolish things above my Savior. Isn't it almost daily that I consciously put some thing or person above the Lord. Aren't I also committing spiritual adultery when my work, my life, my friends and my music become more important than my Savior? I am just as "treacherous" (God's adjective for Israel) as Israel was for bowing down to idols!
This new conviction is still setting in. It hurts deeply. When will I fully realize that life is nothing without God? When will my soul thirst for Him so desperately that I will let nothing and no one keep me from coming before his throne every day? I don't know the answer, but I do know that my prayer is going to continue to be "Lead Me, Jesus" and now I am becoming more and more ready ... ready to follow my King.
Jeremiah 3:7-9
"And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it.And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks."
Days like today make me realize just how badly I need Jesus to lead me not just every day, but every moment. So there I sat in the parking lot's surprising quiet, and I prayed, "Lead me, Jesus". I didn't realize until just now that He answered that short little prayer. I opened up to my new favorite book and read chapters 5 and 6 of Jeremaiah. I was convicted over and over again as God grew justly angry with Israel over their spiritual adultery and wickedness. Time and time again, Jesus begged them to repent and return to Him, but they refused. Utterly refused. He led them and they did not follow. They continued in their treacherous ways, commiting spiritual adultery with idols made of sticks and stones.
I had to pause many times and ask myself how often I put foolish things above my Savior. Isn't it almost daily that I consciously put some thing or person above the Lord. Aren't I also committing spiritual adultery when my work, my life, my friends and my music become more important than my Savior? I am just as "treacherous" (God's adjective for Israel) as Israel was for bowing down to idols!
This new conviction is still setting in. It hurts deeply. When will I fully realize that life is nothing without God? When will my soul thirst for Him so desperately that I will let nothing and no one keep me from coming before his throne every day? I don't know the answer, but I do know that my prayer is going to continue to be "Lead Me, Jesus" and now I am becoming more and more ready ... ready to follow my King.
Jeremiah 3:7-9
"And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it.And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks."
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