I often find it hard to know what God wants me to do with my life. In fact, at this moment in time, I have no clue what I am going to do once I graduate from highschool. Must I sit here like a little child and wait for some heavenly signal that tells me exactly what to do? Or do I venture forth bravely and pray with all my heart that I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life? I don't know, I'm completely clueless! So many paths lay before me that look very inviting and I would love to pursue each and every one of them, but ... I only have one life and it must be lived for God or it really will be one big mistake. But, I ask myself repeatedly, what does God want me to do?
Do I follow my desire to travel to India and serve there for a time? But what if I discover that I really like it there and don't want to return to the States? That thought scares me a little bit because I might miss out on something wonderful that I could be doing in the U.S. At the same time, I want to be pushed forward, out of my comfort zone, away from all of my safety nets and into a new world. India would be absolutely perfect for that.
Yet, I ask myself, why don't I simply move down south (I love the south!) and start a music studio a few years from now? I love music, and I would thoroughly enjoy running a studio and continuing to learn and teach piano, but is that what God wants me to do?
Another option that constantly plays at the back of my befuddled mind is college. I would very much enjoy attending college (Possibly PCC in Florida) and majoring in music and minoring in English Literature (education, writing, reading and studying). But a few people do not like that idea and I don't feel very sure of that path. But at the same time, the idea sounds wonderful!
These are my desires, my dreams and hopes for my future. But are they God's? Is this what He has planned for me? I want to know so badly, but I'm almost afraid to know. I lack faith in His love. For some reason, I have the tendency to think that He will guide me into paths that I will absolutely hate. Why can't I rest in Him, and believe that He will lead me in the way I ought to go, in the way of joy and peace and happiness? I think myself wiser than the Creator of the Universe, and I wonder why He isn't leading me. Maybe He's waiting, waiting until I fall humbly at His throne and admit my unworthiness, confusion, pride and lack of faith. Maybe then, I will finally be ready to follow.
So now this is where I stand. This is where I wait. This is where I cry out to God, study His living Word and give my heart more fully to Him. In the end, I must make decisions and some of them need to be made within the next few months, but I know that my Savior will keep me and guide me and I need not fear anything. Yet I do. So I pray, and now I must search, study and continue to wait patiently for my King to guide me.
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