It Is a Privilege to Suffer

I'm writing this not only for myself but for my dear friends who have suffered, and continue to suffer, through many serious and permanent physical ailments. Depression. Allergies. Scoliosis. Lyme's. Pain. Severe migraines. The list does not have an end.

We suffer.

Even as I am writing this, my head is pounding from a severe headache caused by scoliosis, but God is so good, and I feel this desperate need to write something for my sisters in Christ who have suffered and still continue to suffer. 

It is so hard for healthy, "normal" people to understand our lives, the choices we have to make, the struggles we face, and the physical, mental, spiritual pain we endure. But we do struggle. We do make difficult decisions to keep us from falling off the edge. We must live almost separate lives, at times, just to maintain a molecule of our sanity and health.

And sometimes... Sometimes we fail. 

Because we are human.

I remember almost four years ago when I first started missing church services due to health problems... The guilt. The guilt from myself and others that I was a terrible person. A failure. 

We face guilt.

We face guilt for not having a great social life, for not living life to the standards of others, for not making the health decisions that others would make. But we must remember who our audience is. God Almighty. Not our friends. Not our family. Not our church family. Not our community. Only God alone knows who we are, knows the depths of our complicated souls and our scarred, broken hearts. Only Jesus knows the pain we feel. He feels ever vibration of our pain. He knows every heart-breaking thought. He sees every tear and understands each angry, silent scream we send toward Heaven.

As damaged as we are, we have good days, sometimes even good weeks, and this makes life even more confusing. We feel taunted by the good times. As though our merciful God were teasing us with a taste of normalcy and health only to snatch it away, leaving us where we started - in bed, in pain, confused, angry. Alone. Surrounded by people, but alone. 

This journey is not for the faint of heart.

Jesus said, "Be still, and know that I am God." 

This is one of the most difficult steps in our walk with Jesus. 

We can be still. 

We can know He is God. 

But both of those at the same time? When our head is screaming horrible thoughts? 

When our body is shrieking in pain? When our tears run dry and our hearts grow cold?

When our friends move on with their lives while we remain chained to our present pain?

But Jesus Christ, Son of God, the one who allowed Himself to be whipped to a bloody mess, loves us. He knows us. Jesus is not standing idly by as we struggle. 

He is there.

Holding us in the middle of our confusion. In the midst of each angry thought. 

When are giving up the fight. 

When we cry. 

When we whisper, "I can't do this."

When we succumb to the Devil.

When we sink to the lowest pits of despair.

Jesus is there. 

Sometimes He is silent. 

But He is fully, thoroughly there.

Right in the middle of our horrendous, unimaginable pain. 

Jesus is there.

This truth is what keeps us alive. 

Jesus is who keeps us from sinking into destruction because He loves us enough to allow us the privilege of suffering

Read that again.

Jesus loves us enough to allow us the privilege of suffering. 

The privilege.

Of suffering.

"...So now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. 

For to me to live is Christ, 

and to die is gain."

(Philippians 1:20, 21)

Christ is glorified by the life of a believer who endures suffering and is changed and molded to His image through suffering. When the world sees a believer who is broken, vulnerable, and transformed through suffering... 

The world sees Jesus. 

This is why it is a privilege to suffer. 

This is why the Apostle Paul said that to die is gain.

If the world can see Jesus in us,

in the middle of our confusion and pain, then the Devil is defeated and Jesus is 

magnified. And if He is magnified, we are privileged to suffer with Him and for Him.

It is a privilege to endure pain that Christ might be lifted high. It is a privilege to rely fully on Jesus to carry us so that the world may see that He is the only source of strength and life. And it is a privilege, when an unbeliever questions us, to say that we suffer with God Almighty by our side.

But this suffering is unspeakably difficult.

Take heart, dear sisters! 

Christ does not intend for this suffering to last forever. Maybe it will list our entire lifetime. Maybe only a few more years. But the God of Heaven and Earth has a resting place prepared for us where no pain, confusion, depression, or anger can  live. The God of Heaven is going to take us to Heaven because He loves us so greatly!

And yet, here we wait. Suffering. Crying. Pleading. Waiting.

But while we wait, we must, oh we must, keep our eyes steadily fixed on Christ - the One who carries us when we cannot move, lifts us up when we cannot stand,

and intercedes for us when we cannot pray. 

Oh sisters, let us keep our eyes stayed upon The Rock, The Comforter, The Prince of Peace, Jehovah Raphael, 

The Healer.

For He loves us.

And it is a privilege to suffer with Him.

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

A part of the human soul begins to decay and crumble when it is left in the darkness of this world without the Holy Spirit of God breathing fresh life into it. Satan attacks such a weak, unprotected soul like a hyena attacks a small, vulnerable critter - ruthlessly, mercilessly,
and gleefully.
I am that human soul.

I am the weak, unprotected, miserable shadow of a soul wandering
and stumbling through the darkness of this world, open to the flaming arrows of the Devil. 

I am undone. I am without hope.
I am the soul full of anger, bitterness, hatred, wickedness, and vengeance. 

I am the sinner at the foot of the cross mocking, spitting, screaming, and cursing the Son of God.
I am the soldier driving nails into Jesus' hands.
I am the thief reviling Jesus.
I am Peter denying his Lord.
I am King David committing adultery.
I am King Saul murdering his enemies, pursuing revenge.
I am Jezebel hating God.
I am the people of Sodom begging to commit wickedness, deserving destruction.
I am Paul slaying Christians, covered in blood.
I am Haaman, proud, arrogant, selfish, hateful, enemy of God.
I am Sarah, laughing in the face of God, without faith.
I am Job, helpless, bitter, angry with God.
I am the self-righteous crowd of Jews yelling at Pontius Pilate,
"Crucify Him!"
I am Lot, more attracted to the world each day, carnal as the day is long.
I am Eve, listening to the Devil blaspheme God Almighty, believing his lies.
I am Naomi, bitter, hardened, cold, ungrateful.

I am undone.

God is the Almighty One, strong, protective, watching over His earth,
looking to rescue those whom He loves.
God is the Righteous Judge, bringing justice to everyone, giving grace and mercy to many souls.
God is the Creator, loving, protecting, and giving life to those whom He has lovingly created for His own pleasure.
God is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end, the essence of life.

God Almighty, Creator of the universe, Righteous Judge, Counselor,
Prince of Peace, loves me.
God Almighty loves me.
The evidence is in the tears streaming down His check, the nail prints in His hands, His soft voice that calls my name, the strength He gives me, the blood He bled for me.

The God of this universe, the lover of my soul, died for me, bought my soul, 

set me free, and is watching over me,
chastening me, loving me. 

Though the storms rage, 

though the Devil viciously attacks, 

though my flesh is week, 

though my soul is sinful,
though I falter and fail, 

though I sin and despair,
though I lack faith, 

though I shame my King, 

though I betray His name,
He loves me.

Lord, Walk Me Through the Flames!

Almost a year has passed since the last time I blogged.
I swore that would never happen, but it has.
So much has take place in my life during the past year,
and I almost don't recognize myself anymore ... until I do something stupid,
and think, "Oh, there I am!"
Thank God, He loves me.

Last fall and winter were filled with a lot of pain and suffering,
an abundance of anger, and not a little bit of prayer.
My health declined quickly due to scar tissue and food allergies,
but I'm alive and praising my Creator for all of His many blessings!
What a great and marvelous King I serve! What a privilege to be alive,
to know Him, to be loved by Him, and to have the opportunity and ability
to be of some service to Him.
Wow.

God has blessed me with many things that I have sought, prayed, hoped, and dreamed about
over the past 10 years. I have yet to see India, but I did start college over the summer
and I am continuing my studies this fall!
I love every single moment of it! My heart is burdened for the children
and teens of America who have been let down by our government's educational system.
Talk about an epic failure.
I teach piano to many children who are in public schools and it is so obvious
that they have not been well-educated in the least. It breaks my heart.
Not only am I burdened for these children, but also for the countless orphans
in India who have no family and little hope of a decent education.
The problem is too big for me, but I want to make a difference in the world,
even if the difference is small. I want to teach in America and in India.
Both. Why? Because I love both countries. I love the children I've met in America.
I love the children from India whose pictures I've seen and names I know.
I hate the thought of them not being able to learn the necessities of life,
being enslaved to the slums and the filthy, treacherous streets.

My heart is on fire with dreams, goals, burdens, and a huge desire to do
something big with my life. But I need God's grace. I desperately, oh so desperately
need His grace! I lack the discipline and the drive to make this happen.
I can only become the woman He wants me to become by His grace,
through His mercy, and, possibly, through flames.
I pray that God will lead me, guide me, and stand with me
through flame and fire as he did with Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego
who came through the flames with no smell of smoke.
I can guarantee you they were changed though!
You don't walk through flames with God Almighty and come out unchanged and unmoved.

So, I pray this prayer again, "Here am I Lord, send me!"

Pain

Emotions are fleeting, unstable indicators of the heart's deepest needs. They flash glimpses of the pain, they violently attempt to reopen the scars, they leave the human bleeding and seething in the pain. Numbness overtakes. It dulls all emotion, it freezes the hurt, it turns the soul into a mere shadow of its former self. Numbness blocks the pain. The immortal, all-consuming pain that burns, tears, breaks and hardens the heart. It freezes the very core of the soul, turning the life into a mere existence.

The shield of numbness bears the holes. The invisible, traitorous, innocent holes. People.

The audience of people are ignorant of the pain, they know little of the scars, they turn away from the hellish burns and charred scorch marks. Too afraid to look. Too shocked to acknowledge. Too taken by numbness to feel the pain.

The human becomes overwhelmed by feelings long forgotten, but the numbness rapidly spreads from the mind, to the heart, to the very deepest core of the soul, returning the soul to the mere shadow of its former self.

Breaking Idols

Idolatry is so common, so widespread, so popular. It pervades every culture in every continent. Some people make their idolatry obvious by making idols out of wood or stone and bowing down to them, sacrificing, and worshipping these idols. Others are more subtle about their idolatry. They attend church where idols are on display for worship. They may not bow down to them, but they worship them through words and deeds.

I'm the third kind of idolatrous person. I don't bow down to idols, I don't pray to statues or to Mary, but I worship myself in almost every way. I bow to myself in that I put my desires before others needs, I lust after the things of this world and worship them over God.
I am always "too busy for God." Too busy serving myself, living for myself, following the world, and lusting after the world.

In the Old Testament, God told the kings to tear down the idols and high places. He told them to utterly obliterate anything and everything that was associated with the idols and high places. God did not want there to be any hint of idol worship left at all.

Like Israel, I have committed spiritual adultery against the Lord. But the Lord God Almighty is a good and gracious God who has already forgiven me! Hallelujah! Now for grace to return to Him.

Jesus, Heal Me

Food is such a basic necessity, a staple that most people put little thought into. But I've thought about it a lot lately. I'm sensitive to a lot of foods - very sensitive.

Sugar, dairy, gluten... Any food containing those ingredients just kills my stomach and causes severe headaches. I know this, but that doesn't always stop me from eating bad, nasty, processed food containing those ingredients. Why? Why can't I just force myself to always make the right choice? Because. I'm human. Because. I have not given it over to the Lord and said, "I will do my part. I will eat healthy food and stay away from problem food. And I then I'll trust You, Lord, to heal me more fully and completely."

So, tonight, I'm giving it to the Lord. He is the Almighty Healer, He does not need my help, but He does desire my obedience in doing what I know to do in order to heal more swiftly.

After a weekend of "poison food," I am paying dearly for my foolish choices. It's not worth it. Not a single bit.

So, dear Jesus, take me. Take my health, my choices, my attitude, my will and my pride. Break me. Then, Lord ... please heal me.

Lord, Break Me

I thought I had it all figured out ... this whole being-surrendered-to-Jesus thing. I thought I was living for Him and not my self. At least ... that's what I thought.

But when push comes to shove and real life runs into me, the collision can be very painful. Excruciatingly painful.

I was recently rejected by the UWEC (a very good university that I was set on attending) simply because I didn't take a 2 year foreign language course in high school. To say that I was disappointed would be a ridiculous understatement. I cried. I bawled. I became depressed and slightly angry. No, very angry. Angry with myself for not learning a foreign language in high school and angry with God for letting me be rejected by my desired university. I felt completely devastated and totally worthless.

I thought I knew brokeness. I thought I knew surrender. I did not. And I still don't really understand it. Not really.

Recently, a dear friend of mine spoke very honestly with me and told me that I was hanging on to my own plans way too hard. I was serving my self and not God. She asked me one question that particularly struck me. "In all your planning ... did you leave room for God? Did you leave some room for His will?" I nearly started crying. I knew I had left God completely out of my thoughts, dreams and future plans. I had surrendered myself to Him before, but I did not bother to even pray for guidance concerning this college and my plans for 2012. I wanted what I wanted and that was it. End of story. But God didn't like that ending. And, deep down inside ... neither did I.

So, here I sit with my Bible wide open and my heart bare before God. What does He want from me? Where will He lead me? Will He make me wait for His guidance? Will I ever go to college?
I have no answers to any of those questions. But I know this. Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior, my Creator. My King. He has only the very best planned for me. Jesus loves me more than anyone ever will. And I love Him. A lot.

Psalm 119:25-28
"My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word.
I have declared my ways, and thou heardest me: teach me thy statutes.
Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works.
My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according unto thy word."