Bringing Every Thought into Captivity

2 Corinthians 10:5 says,

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing
that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God,
and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

This verse has definitely captured my attention recently .... why? Because my thoughts wander like crazy and so does my imagination. They go everywhere, anywhere, wherever they like. Sometimes I scare myself, sometimes I come up with foolish ideas, sometimes the Devil attacks me with wicked thoughts ... but why?
Because I do not bring my thoughts into captivity. I do not fill my mind with Jesus' Word and push out all of the evil in my mind.
And yet I wonder why I am so confused at times! A mind that is not brought into captivity, a mind that is wide open and undisciplined ... is a fair playground for the Devil. And that's the truth.

When Will my Dreams Die?

Sometimes I don't even know what to think. What am I doing with my life? Where the heck am I going? I don't know, and sometimes I don't care. But today I care, I just don't know.
College? India? Anywhere-but-Wisconsin? Jeeperz.
If I had ten lives, I'd be able to live each one to the very fullest and still wish for more lives to live out all my crazy, big dreams and fulfill each of my goals!

So, where does it stop? Where do my dreams finally die? Must I hand it all over to God and just say, "Hey, I'm gonna sit here and live day to day and write stuff and work until You say, 'Go.'"
Or am I going to make a decision ... and go for it with all my heart and soul?
I care. I just don't know. What if I make the wrong decision? I don't know, but I don't want to stay here constantly thinking about it .... so help me, I'm getting on my knees tonight with my Bible open and I'm going to cry out to my God until I get some semblance of peace, some semblance of sanity and guidance!

Jesus said, "Follow me." And I did, and I have ... but now I've reached a crossroads, and I don't know which way He went. Because I fell behind. This is apparently what happens when I become obsessed with day to day life (which is great but ...). This is what happens when I dethrone Jesus from being number one in my life ... I get left behind and I don't know where to go.
Who said living for Jesus is easy? Well, I don't think anyone did, but if they did ... they were wrong.
I have dreams, dreams of college, becoming a great pianist, teacher, author .... owner of a wonderful music studio.
I have dreams, dreams of India, orphanages, caring for orphans, teaching, learning, loving and living out my days in India in service to God.
I have dreams, dreams of traveling the world, visiting each and every continent, every city ... every place.
I have dreams.

When will my dreams die?

The same day I do.

A Passing Shadow

Psalm 102: 11-12
"My days are like a shadow that declineth, and I am withered like grass. But Thou, o Lord, shalt endure forever, and Thy remembrance unto all generations."

Those verses inspired this following poem:


A Passing Shadow

I am a passing shadow,
Just a piece of withered grass.
My days - a dying meadow,
A wilting field that will pass.

My King is everlasting,
Creator who will endure.
No one will be found asking
For His mercy for sure.

All generations shall know
Of the everlasting King.
Yet so swiftly shall I go
To Heaven - His praise to sing!

Lord, I went back to that evil pit of Pride and Idolatry

Pride and idolatry are wicked, yet I indulged. I became proud of myself and my accomplishments. I became my own idol. It's a sad state, a depressing place to reside - down there in the pit of evil idolatry. Down there, God doesn't show His glorious face. Down there, sin is rampant, evil and stinking. Down in the pit of my own proud idolatry, there is pain. Deep, lacerating soul-scarring pain. Yet, I indulged.
I pushed God to the back of my mind, the bottom of my priority list and as far away from me as possible.
I've done this before and gotten hurt so badly .... yet, I indulged myself again. For three long months I kept it up. And for three long months God's still, small voice never, ever silenced!
He kept calling me, drawing my aching heart toward His and I slowly began to listen. He kept showing me my evil pride and idolatry. His wounded hand kept reaching down into that stinking pit of proud idolatry and finally He lifted me out.
I began to ask why. Why would God do that? Why wouldn't He just give up? Why does He keep bringing me back? These questions burned in me so hotly that I had to find the answer.
By December 30, 2010, I was finally back in God's Word drinking it up like a hoarse, dehygrated desert girl.
A few days later, God led me to the perfect passage. I had started at Psalm 100 and six days later, I discovered Psalm 106.
This is my Bible journal entry for that day:

Dear Lord Jesus,
if I am but a passing shadow, a withering field of grass ... why do You still love me? Why do You keep drawing me back to Yourself? I think You gave me the answer:


Psalm 106:47
"Save us, O Lord our God, and gather us from among the heathen..."

Why should God do that?
"... to give thanks unto Thy holy name. To triumph in Thy praise."

Jesus saved me and continues to draw me to Himself. Why?
Here are some reasons I found in Psalm 106:

~ That I might Praise the Lord!
- verse 1
~ That I might Give Thanks to the Lord!
- verse 1
~ That I might Utter the Mighty Acts of the Lord!
- verse 2
~ That I might show forth ALL His Praise!
- verse 2
~That I might Keep His Judgement at ALL Times!
- verse 3
~ That I might Act Righteously at ALL Times!
- verse 3
~ That I might Remember the Multitude of HIS Mercies!
- verse 7
~ That He might Make HIS power to be Known!
- verse 8
~ That I might BELIEVE HIS WORDS!
- verse 12
~ That I might Sing His Praise!
- verse 12
~ That He might Keep His Covenant!
(He keeps drawing me back because He said, "No man can pluck them out of My Father's Hand.)
- verse 45
~ That He might Show His Mercy!
- verse 45
~ That I might Give Thanks Unto His Holy Name!
- verse47
~ That I might Triumph in HIS Praise!
- vere 47

Wow. Lord, You have done SO much for me! Thank You! Please help me to be thankful and to praise Your name at ALL times no matter who I am with!

Life Changes, I Change, Jesus Stays the Same

Life's been interesting lately. My two older brothers have moved out and now my family is smaller and things are different ... and so am I. I'm different yet the same. I think I may be just a little tiny bit more mature than I was, say, four or five months ago. But only a little. I'm learning so much, yet ... I'm also forgetting the important things I learned long ago. Like the joy of walking with Jesus. Yeah, I've kind of lost that.
You see, it's really easy to just pick up my Bible occasionally, whisper a quick prayer because I'm either really sad or really happy, talk about God once in awhile, show up at church ...
Yeah, all that's cakewalk when I don't really have to put any effort into it, when there's no life, no sacrifice, no joy.
Lately, I've been reading my Bible a lot, simply because I'm involved in a Bible class that requires us to read thirteen chapters a day ... but I've begun to realize that I'm losing touch with Jesus. He isn't quite my best Friend anymore like He used to be. And it's sad. Really sad. I don't talk to Him all the time, and reading my Bible is turning into a chore. It's not easy for me to pray like it once was. So what do I do? I'm not totally sure, but I think I'm going to get on me knees tonight, and stay there ... for a long time.
Why? Because walking through life is hard, but doing it without Jesus constantly by your side ... is downright frightful! And I miss Him ..... a lot.

Jesus, I Come

Jesus said, "Follow me." And I did. He took me down a narrow path with many sticks and stones scattered along the way. As I stepped along behind Him, I started slowing down and staring at the thorns, holes, rocks, sticks, traps and snares that were to my right, to my left, behind me above me, in front of me, and as I kept looking, my eyes grew wider and I cried out, "Jesus, You didn't tell me that this is what I was going to run into."
"Don't worry child, I will take care of you, follow Me."
So I did. For a while but then I began tripping up on the sticks and stones and I screamed,
"Did You just forget to tell me that You'd rip away my friends?
Did You forget to tell me that I'd often get confused?
Did You forget to tell me about the pressure, temptations and failure I would face?
How could You not tell me all of this?"
So there I stood and glared. Then I took a seat on the ground next to a nasty snare and just stared at the snare.

And as I looked at this ugly snare, it started to look more and more appealing and lovely. It's deadly, sharp thorns turned into gorgeous diamonds, it's steel, unbreakable trap turned into a picture of life lived my way instead of God's. All of its parts began transforming into lovely things that I thought I would never lay eyes on again. My heart began to pound. I wanted to grasp it so badly, but I knew Jesus was giving me that "Look" of "Don't do it. You will hurt yourself so badly that it will take an eternity to heal you." I ignored Him and grabbed the "pretty" snare as He called out, "Child, I am here. Drop it and follow Me!"

Darkness engulfed me. No light was to be seen. My life became full of everything painful, wicked and destructive.

Anger. Rebellion. Hatred. Bitterness. Lies. Jealousy. Lust. Pride.

That beautiful snare turned out to be not so beautiful. As I ran as far from God as I could possibly get, I started hurting. I began having "fun" with my friends, but the emptiness inside wouldn't leave. My Bibles grew dusty, my heart turned into black ice. My sould kept screaming in pain as the Devil's deceptive snare of sin wrapped it's spiked tentacles around me and began choking me. But Jesus' still, small voice in the back of my befuddled brain kept whispering, "Hurting child, why? Why did you run from Me, your only hope? Why are you denying me? Child, follow me!" But I didn't.

It took almost a year for my stubborn, rebellious hurt to return to it's loving Master. A year of the worst spiritual and mental battles I've ever been through and never, ever want to witness again. Jesus used a wonderful, friend during a summer camp to lead me back to the Rock that is higher than I.

God is still keeping me there, up on that rock, but occasionally I find myself sticking a foot over the edge of the rock and thinking about climbing down again. Then I hear my Jesus sweetly say,
"Child, don't do it. Follow me!"

King Jesus, You are Worthy

Jesus is worthy of praise, honor, worship and glory. I am not. I am worthy of death, defeat, hell and the eternal grave, but Jesus has given me everything ... everything that I am completely unworthy of! It amazes me to no end.

Today, I had to chide myself for complaining both inwardly and outwardly. I do not like my job, but really, who does? There I was complaining because of my job, and did I stop to think, "God has blessed you with a job and money, be thankful!"? Nope. I didn't. I wasn't thankful at all, but now I am because I've realized that King Jesus is worthy and I am not and He has blessed me with so many things. Yet I ask for more things, different things ... things I do not need, things that are not what God has planned for me. I feel like Israel, begging for meat because they were sick of manna, then begging for manna when they were sick of meat, then begging for meat because they were sick of manna and God finally gave them so much meat that it came out their noises and made them terribly ill!

Impatience, ignorance, ungratefulness and envy have led me down the road to discontentment and have taken away much of my joy, but I do not fault these gross sins. I fault myself for following the temptations Jesus warned me not to follow. James 1:13-15 says,
"Let no man say, when he is tempted, 'I am tempted of God.' For God can not be tempted with evil, neither tempts He any man. But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then when lust has conceived it brings forth sin. And sin, when it is finished, brings forth death."

These verses always, without fail, put me in awe of our glorious God who is so powerful that He can conquer sin, the epitome of death. He can not be tempted, He can not tempt, but He can find, rescue and revive every single person who is drawn away of his own lust, enticed and killed by sin. I thank my God for His grace and power.
I am still searching for answers for my near future, but I must not give up hope or faith for He will answer, He will guide!